Half-Light #3 for WPC-the Woody

Half-Light

So what’s a Woody station wagon got to do with half light?? Well, growing up in the town of Pacific Beach in San Diego, if you were a true, pre-popular craze surfer, you would be up each morning at Half-Light, to high tail it down to the beach for the best and least crowded waves of the day. A tourist to the area might look out a motel window and see weird dark shapes bobbing up and down way out beyond the shore break. They might even mistake them for a flock of strange sea birds out there. Nope. Those were the most dedicated wave-riding artists…waiting for their wave…however long it took.

“Surfing is one of the oldest practiced sports on the planet. The art of wave riding, is a blend of total athleticism and the comprehension of the beauty and power of nature. Surfing is also one of the few sports that creates its own culture and lifestyle.” 

http://iml.jou.ufl.edu/projects/spring04/britton/history.htm

No idea who first used a Woody station wagon to drag surfboards to the beach but it became the vehicle associated with the surfing culture.

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The following info from http://www.carponents.com/content/surfs-up-with-the-woodie-one-of-americas-most-iconic-cars-176

“In the early 60’s, Surfers, who spent their days riding those bodacious California waves all afternoon always seemed to be strapped-for-cash.  In need of an inexpensive form of transportation, they found they could buy woodies cheap, and that they were perfect for lugging around the long 10-12 foot wooden surfboards of the day long. 

While not really their goal, surfers prolonged the lives of countless Woodies.  It was something of a California oddity but surfers didn’t actually restore their wagons, they couldn’t afford to.  They simply kept them going.  Groups like the Beach Boys in songs like ‘Surfing Safari’ began to mention and immortalize Woodies in their lyrics, about how they were loaded up with boards and friends and driven to the California Coast and they forever became ingrained as a beloved icon of the surfing community as more and more were adopted by the laid back, fun loving culture.  The connection between surfing and Woodies became permanent.
  It’s also said that surfers were the ones who coined the term ‘woodie’. “

Now here’s the sort of personal part. For some reason, when I was a very small child, we had a Woody parked inside our fenced back yard. I honestly don’t remember why or where it came from. I don’t remember ever riding in it, although we did have another station wagon, a white mercury with red trim and red leather interior, that we rode in a lot. That Mercury was the transportation for many of the childhood adventures my Dad provided for his daughters. Most of those adventures involved deserted country roads with us riding on the opened tailgate, strapped in for safety with a make-shift rope “safety belt”. But we never rode in the Woody.

Maybe Dad had the foresight to know that old Woody was a good investment. I do remember it sitting out there until well into my adulthood. Sometimes, when I was visiting my father, a later version of a young surfer would ring Dad’s doorbell to ask about that old car in his yard. My sisters might know what happened to the old Woody. I don’t.

And here’s the really personal part. Many times as a child (according to family legend, as young as four and five years old) I would be discovered before first light, out in the back yard, with my pillow and blanket from my bed, sitting on the hood of that old Woody, all bundled up and leaning back against the perfectly slanted windshield…..doing WHAT, the adults could never figure out.

It’s no mystery to me. Though I don’t remember specifically thinking about this, I’m sure it started out as escape. Maybe if I woke up early enough, and “ran away” to the back yard, I wouldn’t have to start on all those chores no five, six or seven year old should be responsible for (changing diapers, cleaning up, making breakfast, etc.)

And to my lifelong delight, I imprinted on mother nature from those Half-Light escapes, on the absolute beauty and wonder of it all, even the most simple of its forms.

I still love the earliest morning, with its slow but dramatic light changes, the songs of awakening birds-in the spring full orchestras-and the emerging hints about weather for the day. These days, I rarely need it for “running away”, but nothing grounds me more solidly and spiritually onto the earth than sitting outside in the half-light, in almost any weather, eavesdropping on the world as it wakes up.

 

 

 

Joy, the “guard dog”

One Love

I follow Wild Currents, a very moving blog and today was inspired by her post.

https://wildcurrentsblog.wordpress.com/2016/03/11/weekly-photo-challenge-one-love/comment-page-1/#comment-436

This entry moved me to write about my purebred German Shepherd, Joy, named to counteract her malfunctioning tear ducts, which were cosmetically disturbing enough that her breeder considered doing away with her.

Disgusting.

I’m afraid I don’t care who that offends.

I had always wanted a big ole German Shepherd. My best friend throughout my teens lost his vision and had the most wonderful guide dog, called Rue St James. I adored that dog.

And when I discovered my neighbor up the street was a well known breeder, with champion Shepherds, I made it known that I wanted one. Unfortunately her dogs went for thousands of dollars which put me out of the running….until my accountant asked me if I needed a Guard Dog for my therapy practice. Hmmm. I started saving money even though I never had any intention of teaching any nasty habits to a pet of mine.

One day I got a call saying if I wanted a dog for free, I could have a damaged one if I came for her right now. This precious puppy had been kept in a separate cage for the first four months of her life, no other dog or human contact, waiting to see if she would outgrow her birth defect to the degree her owner could at least breed her. I jumped at the chance.

I fell immediately in deep love. Joy grew up to be such a beauty the breeder wanted to buy her back. By then she was all mine, though that did not exactly come easily. She spent her first few weeks with me hiding under my bed.

Eventually I was able to take her to work with me. I’m a psychotherapist in private practice. Right around this same time I had started accepting clients referred by the courts and some of them were actually pretty scary. Several people suggested…strongly…that I have Joy “protection trained”, but I just wouldn’t do that. She was already pretty skittish and not reliably nice to strangers.

As it turned out, I didn’t need to train her. I hoped that her mere presence would imply protection for me. And in a bass-ackwards way, it did.

I was blessed to have Joy for 16 years, completely healthy for 15 of them, highly unusual for such a large dog of her breed. And you know what, she never so much as curled a lip at a client of mine. Not even when one of them showed up at my home at 2 AM, in a rage of negative transference, and carrying a baseball bat! Joy spotted this client out on my deck and started barking her “I’m so glad to see you” bark, tail wagging furiously. When I let her out, she simply ran to the client (her buddy from numerous therapy sessions) and attacked her with 110 pounds of slobbery kisses.

Joy protected me alright, by winning over the most hardened of hearts, and making instant friends with the innocent “child” part of them all.

Joy died in 2001, during the same trauma-filled stretch as several of my family members passing, both my other pets dying, AND then, 9/11 happened. I was devastated by all the jumbled loss in my life, and though I have grieved much of that loss, I still have not had the courage to adopt another dog….yet.

 

JOY and Bandit

Joy, and her cat Bandit

I call her a Grandmother of the Service Dog, because she was here before we really knew the power and healing a therapy animal can have…..

It’s Never Too Late….*

It’s Never Too Late….*

(Branding VS Bonding)

“Maternity is a matter of fact; paternity always a matter of opinion.” Unknown Author

When I was two, my Mom found my Dad. They got married and had my sister Eileen when I was three. They had my sister Barbara when I was six. When I was nine, I found out that Dad was not my first Dad. I don’t remember that fact being particularly bothersome. But when I was twelve and my folks divorced, well, that was definitely bothersome. When I was fifteen, being fairly exhausted by the role of Junior Mother to my sisters while my own Mom drank herself into oblivion, I left home in search of the rest of my childhood. When I was nineteen, my mother made her first (at least discernible) suicide attempt. (She took pills.) She survived, but only after being in a coma for as many days as I had had years on the planet. She woke up saying, “I don’t want to sleep anymore.” I thought she meant it and was really relieved and hopeful. Her narrow escape from death seemed to inspire her. She turned her life around dramatically…but only for a couple of years. When I was 20, my mother was more determined…no reprieve this time. It is much harder to survive suicide by gun.

When I was 24, and had a toddler of my own, the difference between a biological parent and a step-parent smack in my face, I wrote my Dad a note. It said, “Now that Mom is not alive, you and I are not REALLY connected by anything, so do you want to stop being my Dad?”

As of this writing, I don’t remember how he answered that question. I think it was something sweet and positive.

I do know that after he died in 2001, when we were going through his belongings, I found that 30 year old note from me, crusty with age, in a small box full of obvious treasures; like a very beautiful picture of my mother (his one and only love), correspondence from his father, and a very impressive letter of endorsement from his commanding officer in the U.S. Cavalry recommending him to West Point. My barely camouflaged plea for reassurance was in very admirable company indeed.

When I was 40, I received the following letter from my Dad:

Dear Kathie,

When your mother and I got married, we didn’t have much money and you were very young so we didn’t think you would mind if we skipped the legal proceedings for me to officially adopt you. Then, as it does, time passed and we just never got around to it.

Would you think it silly now, at this late date, for me to make it all legal? Would you let me adopt you?

I think you know that you have never been any different in my eyes from your two sisters, except that you were my oldest. Your other father left before you were ever born, marrying your mother in name only, at the “insistence” of your grandfather, so I knew I would be your only Daddy.

Have I ever told you when I knew you were mine?

When your mother and I were dating, we always brought you along. I knew from the start it was a package deal with her and that was just fine by me. One afternoon when we were out, I picked you up to carry you on my shoulders, as had become our routine. Well, while you were up there, you had a little accident and leaked all over my neck. That wasn’t too bad really. But when I went to change my shirt and tie later, I found that you had marked me. My white shirt and neck were stained a bright crimson, the color of my tie. I didn’t think of myself as a “red neck” but I proudly wore that red mark around my neck for several days until it finally wore off. I told the guys at work that my new little girl had branded me. That’s when I knew I was your Daddy.

Now, I would like to make it official if that’s OK with you. Let me know what you think.

Love, Dad

My response to him was a no-brainer.

So, the Christmas after my 40th birthday, my Dad flew to Seattle from San Diego. My sister Barbara was there. My sister Eileen, who had rarely seen any of us since our mother died all those years before, flew over from Hawaii, and my 3 long time best friends attended as witnesses. It was definitely official, taking place in a courtroom in front of a judge who asked both my father and I a peculiar series of questions. “Do you have any ulterior motives for taking this step?” “Does doing this help you to avoid legal action in any way?” “Are either of you doing this for financial gain?” etc.

Then the judge pronounced us legally “father and daughter” and leaned over his bench to shake my Dad’s hand. He said, “Congratulations on your new baby girl.” And to my sisters he said “She is your real sister now.” Then he thanked us all profusely saying, “Usually during this week between Christmas and New Years, we have nothing in Family Court except Child Protective Service cases or maybe the relinquishing or termination of parental rights. How refreshing it is for me to have participated in this long awaited and obviously joyous occasion.”

Judging from the things my Dad did during the time immediately before he died, my legal adoption was not the first time he had considered my sisters and I being re-united.

Although he had never uttered a single word of criticism or advice concerning our long-time estranged sibling ties, clearly he had thought about it. He simply carried on three separate father/daughter relationships. He developed his own connection with his 3 grandchildren and before his death he fixed it so that at least once more, we had no choice but to all three be together. I mean really together. We had to join up and cooperate in the dispersal of his estate. All papers had to be signed by all three of us, in person, and at the same time.

There was plenty of money designated specifically for travel expenses, eliminating that excuse. Clever, clever man. Either that or a real brat. If Dad was nearby, and we believe he was, we know he got a real kick out of it as his lawyer innocently said, “Yes, I thought this was an unusual request that there be 3 executors and that all be present in the same place. This is not how it is commonly done. Your Father must have known that you three get along really well to put you in this position as equal trustees.”

I wonder what that attorney thought of the look of shock, dismay and wonderment that passed among my sisters and me in that moment.

Dad, I’m sure, was chuckling. I guess he really believed that it is never too late.

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ADOPTION DAY–one of only two times my Dad had all three of his grown daughters together

*(published also just now at medium.com)

Oh, and Badfish? They ARE real!

Met a young cousin of yours recently and decided to do one of those “proof of life” photo shoots with him.

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teenage bug (Extatosoma Tiaratum)

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Adult female Giant Spiny Australian Leaf Bug

Then Baby Badfish asked if his girlfriend could join us. I of course, said YES, curious and all. Who do these Badfish boys date anyway??

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I think she’s pretty cute, if a bit tipsy.

And a funny thing happened during our photo session. I turned my back…for just a second and look what happened!

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From out of nowhere! This one just showed up! Can’t tell if she is a bug girlfriend herself or if she is lunch for my hungry bug. (Just kidding. They are definitely herbivores!)

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Anyway, for real, they are REAL!

Calling the Dolphins

http://cetajournal.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Dolphins-Surfing.jpg

Even as I prepare to write this story, I feel resistance to the parts that will sound religious to some. This is not a story about God or prayer or any kind of absolute pious fervor.  This is a story about innocence, about hope and about One-ness.

There is a small skeptical part of me that still doesn’t believe my own experience. You can read this as fiction if it will help you immerse yourself in my tale. I want you to have had this encounter too. I want it for my children, my grandchildren. Actually, I want it for all of us…..before it’s too late.

 

For over twenty years, each Autumn I would head south from Washington State, to my old stomping (surfing) grounds in San Diego. My best friend and his family would stay in North County for eight weeks right on the beach, so I would join them.

When I started taking my yearly vacation with my adopted family, I established some lovely rituals for myself to maximize my time away from a booming Psychotherapy practice. Examples: assorted visits with friends and family, daily walks on the beach, shopping beach boutiques, the San Diego Zoo, favorite restaurants, beading, reading, and the dangerous, but no less addictive and strenuous activity of sunbathing…..this last, while my friend and his father would body surf out in front of our condo.

Many of these vacation customs were shared experiences, but there was one I kept completely to myself; Calling the Dolphins.

 

From the time I was a youngster in the seaside community of Pacific Beach, I had been absolutely in love with dolphins. My admiration for this amazing animal is not unique. Most people who have a spiritual bone in their bodies will never forget crossing paths with a dolphin, whether it is actual, in a movie, on a nature show, or in a book.

Being a very sensitive and deep thinking child, as well as being fairly dramatic in my expression, I elevated the dolphin to god-like status upon my very first meeting, at 9 years old, on a Marlin fishing trip with my neighbors. When I saw them at Sea World, I was only sixteen years old, and still pretty impressionable. I came away from that encounter believing that dolphins were magical messengers, with vital information somehow essential for the whole world.

They say intermittent positive re-enforcement is one of the most powerful ways to establish behavior change or to alter a belief, so over a span of years when I was still under the age of practical disbelief, I would stand in front of the vast Pacific Ocean, and “Call the Dolphins”. Two times, maybe three (out of a hundred) they showed up!

That’s all I needed. In my innocence (and maybe desperation to believe) I immediately took credit for these occurrences. It was proof that I was at one with all animals. They trusted me and readily flew, crawled or swam to me just like they would in a Disney movie; to Cinderella to help her dress for the ball, or to Snow White, joining her in song. I even confirmed my conviction with the occasional “summoned” butterfly, which would land on my arm, or once, on the tip of my nose.

As an adult, I have had the pleasure on many occasions to see Dolphins, in captivity, semi and literal, as well as in the wild. I also continued my lifelong practice of summoning these spectacular animals into my field of vision any time I was within sight of an ocean. Not surprisingly, I never successfully “called” them to me again. But hey, I am a believer, an optimist, so I keep up the custom, because, you just never know, right?

Anyway, it was a natural addition to my list of vacation traditions to “Call the Dolphins”.

Because we stayed in the same condo each year, it felt a lot like coming home every time I visited. Ours was right on the beach, the second of three stories, in the middle of three buildings, all looking out on the Pacific. Below the bottom story was a rock wall about eight feet high made of giant, stacked boulders…storm protectors, like those that are common in the many jetties and seawalls on the Southern California coastline.

Living in these rocks below our condo was a huge variety of critters…lizards, frogs, crabs, the occasional snake, rats, and, my personal favorite, this precious little creature that looked like a cross between a ground squirrel and a chipmunk. Spotting them was rare but each morning when they were most likely to appear, I parked myself on the sand close to the rocks and watched quietly…one or two would cautiously dart out of their rock formed caverns, and dash around, busily collecting food or nesting treasures.

https://naturalunseenhazards.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/800px-ca_ground_squirrel_pair-by-howcheng-wc.jpg

 

Each year, after a few days of my morning presence, these cuties seemed to get used to me, and would venture closer and closer in their search for bits and pieces of whatever it was that sustained them. This delightfully confirmed my long forgotten magical belief of Snow White powers to call animals to me.

The locals thought I was nuts because for them, these sweet Disney-like critters were simply annoying rodents….fear of disease or scat exposure for their children I suppose. They would set traps and spray poisonous deterrents while I was more likely to share my breakfast with them just to get a closer look.

I knew there must be many living in this 400 foot long rock wall, but I never saw more than two at a time.

One year I showed up for my annual retreat, having left Seattle immediately on the heels of a painful tragedy. I had received the phone call, literally as I was climbing into my taxi for my vacation flight. My dear former clients were losing their baby.

I had “attended” high risk childbirths for more than 20 years but with this one, we expected nothing unusual. I had agreed to this be at this birth more in the role of Doula for my long-time former clients, who had since become like family.

My vacation was immediately delayed, and when I finally did arrive, it took me several more days of grieving in deep seclusion before I had the wherewithal to re-establish any of my familiar vacation routines.

On my very first morning venturing tentatively out of the condo to see if my rock critters were around, and maybe, to “Call the Dolphins”, the event came to pass that I hope my story captures.

This particular morning was one that tourists to Southern California Beach Towns have no way of appreciating the way the locals can. These are the days when a certain quiet is observed by the natives…a kind of homage paid to those earliest morning hours, reverence shown in the silent, head-bowing greetings to each other on their beach walks. It highlights the natural peaceful atmosphere, even along this stretch of waterfront packed with condos, motels, and massive houses.

Maybe it’s because of a certain early-morning color of blue that happens only now and then. The locals, on their morning constitutions, or carrying their surfboards across the not yet warm sand, know it right away.  It’s going to be one of those days…the kind of day they wish they could hide from the hordes of innocent trespassers seeking the climate perfection regularly available in San Diego’s North County.

On this morning, I am sitting in my usual “rodent” welcoming spot, feeling like I am the first person awake in Carlsbad today…not a soul in sight as far as I can see up the beach to the North, and way to the South of me, only a few, hard core, first-wave-of-the-day surfers, already patiently bobbing out beyond the shore break.

I am lost in dark thoughts of what I had just experienced in Seattle. As I sit, waiting for the squirrels to show….I assume they won’t.

This thought drags me next to a crushing realization. Maybe there really are no miracles after all. Maybe we aren’t really connected to all other living things.

I spend several quietly angry, silently sobbing minutes, allowing myself to feel the depth of my bitter disappointment at what seems like a viciously unfair trick for God to play.

I mean, seriously. Those parents had to be told their baby was dead already, but that first-time Mom had to go through labor anyway!

This raw loss of faith in all things, has me looking at all the lies I think God told me as a kid…like letting me believe I could actually “call dolphins” to me at will.

My heart is racing as I type now.

What happens next is simple.

Very close by, one of the chipmunk-y things comes out of rocks, and then another one from a few feet away. They are standing, at attention, but then there is another, and another, and another, and another, and another. I swear, they are lining up. They are silent. They are all slightly angled north, but still facing the ocean.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_x29Pef-T4FQ/SEkxZylXvAI/AAAAAAAAFEo/W2E3BrWvWYk/s400/YS08+unita+ground+squirrel+102_9725.jpg

Startled out of my negative reverie, and remaining as motionless as possible, I do a quick count of these oddly behaving animals. There are 31 of them.

All of a sudden, they are making a noise I can only describe as a cross between the chirping sounds I have heard Meercats make and the low chatter you sometimes hear from crows.

As stunned as I am by their strange actions, I can’t stop myself from turning away from them to see what they are looking at. The surf has come up quite a bit…the waves long and high. Is that it?

These whacked out “squirrels” are vocalizing almost in unison now and I look way up the coastline to the north, out past the breakers, and see the familiar signs of a school of dolphins. Not unusual as they pass by here every morning, way out to sea, moving south parallel to the shore and then they head back to the north in the evening…..but barely visible to the unpracticed eye. My twice-daily view of them is usually through binoculars.

This large school is off course though, swimming at a definite south-eastern angle.

They appear to be aimed in my direction.

The crazy chipmunk chorus continues.

As the dolphin’s destination is becoming unmistakably clear, I see them sounding, joyfully leaping all the way out of the water, landing with a splash twice their own size, and there are many, many more than I had originally thought. Hundreds!!

The next thing I know they are riding the surf directly in front of my grieving spot on the sand.

And the squirrels have gone eerily silent.

A large, evenly breaking wave that is back lit by a late-in-the-day the setting sun will silhouette any solid objects in that wave….seaweed, fish, a dolphin, etc.

But this morning, the rising sun, still low in the Eastern sky, is shining directly on the face of the waves, revealing their contents with a spectacular clarity…like looking through clear, blown glass.

http://cetajournal.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Dolphins-Surfing.jpg

These dolphins are now right in front of me, and I am mesmerized. The waves are moving in extreme, TV-nature-show slow motion, and these sensuous, silky, silver mammals are performing a beautiful, playful ballet. There is no one else on the beach.

Is this just for me?

I can’t count them. There are way too many, and besides I can’t make numbers work in my head right now.

Groups of dolphins are suspended in the wave breaking closest to me, riding almost to shore. And now, their strange and miraculous detour completed, they are suddenly veering back out to sea at a perfect southwestern angle, eventually, their long lines, slowly disappearing from sight way down to the south of me.

It is a graceful, smooth, unbroken performance, cluster after cluster of dolphins, angling in, riding the wave in front of me and then angling back out to sea.

Barely in my awareness, and still silent, my squirrel friends, having completed something, are slipping back into their invisible hiding places in the rock wall.

 

At some point in this amazing experience, I remember having the fleeting thought that no one will ever believe this. Later, in a welcome validation of my reality, my best friend told me he had wandered out on our condo balcony just in time to see the tail end of this performance.

And, those early morning surfers I had seen earlier? They talked about this for days.

But I had already decided that the whole event had happened just for me.

Though it had come in the form my grief stricken, silent wail, maybe with some help from my chattering rodent friends, the Dolphins had heard my call……and they had, in fact, come to me.

Or maybe God is a chipmunk.

Time-WARNING to young women: rated R for terror

Time sped by this week. Time’s up tomorrow for posting on TIME. I had to work up my nerve all week. This will undoubtedly be one of my most frightening posts ever….(really scary for me but terrifying for women under 50 or so…)

I saw the actress Ali McGraw a few years back, maybe on Oprah, maybe along with Jane Fonda and Diane Keaton. The topic was beautiful older women (or over 60 women).

Ali McGraw said she had a secret to keep her face looking young. I’m sure the women watching expected surgical tips or miracle face creams but no. She lifted up her hair and pulled out this weird apparatus that was hidden there. As she slowly removed it, her face sagged more and more. With the faked tightness gone she looked much more her age, maybe older.

The women on stage with her were stunned into silence. It was a dramatic and pretty amazing difference. (It reminded me of childhood when an aunt who would brush my hair into a pony tail so tight, she would tell me, in her well-intentioned way, that I looked like a China doll.)

After a moment, a recovered, non-plussed Oprah said she thought Ali’s action was one of the most “generous” things she had ever seen a woman do.

I hope you see my personal photo sharing as “generous” and not egotistical or even worse, self-pitying. I didn’t think I was even mildly attractive until I was fifty!

ABOVE–Me at thirty, forty, fifty and fifty-five

 

 

Then the phrase the ravages of time comes to mind…..

 

 

I do not know what happened to the TIME. I do not recognize who this person above is. I don’t know what some of these body parts even are!

(Judy Collins singing in the background here…Who knows where the time goes…)

Here I go. I’m gonna push “publish” now Karuna!

Chosen Perspectives on TIME for WPC

Generations

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top-my mother, middle-my biological daughter, bottom-me

Time

And the back story is…

I didn’t see a picture of my daughter until after the longest stretch of time in my life…23 years after I gave her up for adoption. The reunion specialist I hired found her high school annual in a library.

I thought she was beautiful but could not see a trace of myself in her. So I didn’t really believe she was mine.

Then I remembered this photo of my mother when she was in the Navy at 21 years old. When I laid the photos side by side, I saw it!

The photo at the bottom is from my high school annual.

The Choice

Here is a disclaimer of sorts that I wrote when I was new at this blogging thing. (That’s a joke by the way as I am still incredibly new at this…)

 

Black and White, Light and Dark

I can tell a lot about my mood and general state of mind simply by what I choose to write about. I am absolutely blessed to have had a big enough range of experiences now (at 67 years old) that I can see how trauma and chaos will inevitably be balanced by joy and peace….if I can just wait long enough.

This is a disclaimer for my readers (all 4 or 5 of you now) so you can decide what you are in the mood for reading should you choose to check out my Blog on any given day.

Life has given me two very distinct kinds of experiences and I need to write about both….Consider yourself warned.

Thanks for reading either.

Kathie

 

I’ve included it here again because I want to share a darker story. Thanks in advance for reading this.

Her name is Sraddha

September 2015

Some of us learn pretty young how to make “the choice”.

It doesn’t take more than one event. If a violent act happens to you or even in your presence, you can stay…or you can leave. And when you can’t depart physically, you simply learn how to leave your body.

If it happens early enough in your life, you get hardwired for it…this “choice”.

I learned about it, a toddler, still in my crib. I got so good at leaving, I could look down and see what was happening, but I never had to feel it again.

Everyone learns their own version of this “choice”, not always because of some ordeal. But if yours came the way mine did, this ability to choose is not a bad skill to refine and practice. You must train yourself to use it ONLY by choice. You can’t let it control you, and believe me, it will. You must master it or you will use it to trash your most important relationships and you could walk through your life an enormous bundle of PTSD symptoms.

Ugly words will get attributed to your skill…”she can be so cold and distant” but you know exactly what you are doing…and why.

I’m glad now I developed this skill. In my professional life as a Psychotherapist, I can decide to never allow my feelings to be more important than those of my clients’. I can choose to be unconditionally present for them, even if their story is very close to my own.

But here’s the thing…You never get perfect at it. Sometimes things happen so fast, the Choice moment will slip right by, unnoticed.

That’s what happened just 21 days ago, on September 29th, the day before our long-planned dream vacation.

Let me go back there now, just to confirm for myself that I had a choice.

James and I are waiting at an intersection, the first car behind a metro bus. I’m driving. He is the passenger. The sound comes first, loud enough for me to look out to my left, expecting to see a car barreling toward us. Then, from my vantage point, I see a huge spray of sparkling glass, taller than the bus. From his side of the car, he sees what I would never recover from witnessing….a car, hit head on and pushed up onto the sidewalk…into several waiting pedestrians. James is out of the car in an instant to see who he can help. My emergency training kicks in…I put on the car’s flashers, turn off engine, grab my phone, and am out of the car, dialing 911…all in seconds.

But those same seconds are an eternity for the young mother who is pulling her toddler out of her completely crushed stroller….

As happens in emergencies, time loses all meaning so hours or maybe nanoseconds are flying by. The Mother is cradling her baby and wailing while she is frantically dialing the phone, again and again and again, reaching no one. She is clearly alone.

Having coached high risk childbirths for more than 30 years, I’ve seen way too many dead babies so I know her child is already gone. The first policeman on the scene knows it too, although he is performing CPR as if this is his own child. The firemen and the EMT’s who are arriving also know this little girl is dead.

But the Mom does not know yet.

This is where I give up my choice to protect myself. I can’t bear her being alone with this and though she never even knows it, I am standing with her. I plant myself right behind her as the CPR performing cop finally gives in to the truth. I stay here when the head EMT orders his team to move on to check for other victims. I remain while she is dialing her phone again. I am still here when her baby is covered with that awful death blanket. I am present when one cop tells everyone who is not hurt to move on but I say “No, I’m staying. She is alone here”. He thanks me. And I am here some infinite number of minutes later, when another cop is asking me if I saw the actual impact. When I say no, he tells me I now have to leave as this might be a crime scene. I don’t remember the walk back to the car.  I am still with that young mother.

As I am writing this, I realize I don’t know the ending. I could talk about how, afterwards, instead of finishing packing for our vacation, I frantically searched for more information on that mother, just so I could tell her she was not alone….that I had seen her daughter there. And that her baby girl did not have to make any Choice, to feel or not to. She was gone the instant that car smashed into her.

Or I could write how on the first days of our long awaited trip, I felt jerked back and forth between the sweet time we should be having and the auditory memories of the crash and that mother’s cries of anguish. Or I could describe the very kind detective who had to interview us by phone, apologizing for disturbing our beautiful train ride down to San Diego.

When you do not make the choice to protect yourself, whatever the horrendous event is, it happens to you also. I was that baby girl. I am that mother. And now, I need to recover also. All of us who were there that day need to grieve.

Then I remembered…I might be writing this story for more than just my own processing. I might want to share it, but I need a focus. I thought of the Moth Story Slam (open mic Story Telling competitions). The topic next month is “Guts”, but in re-reading this, I could not find anything that required guts on my part. Not switching into emergency mode…years of practice with that. Not standing with that Mother while the horrifying truth dawned on her. That was primal and any other mother would have done the same. It took no courage to take a huge bouquet of flowers back to the busy accident intersection later in the day. That was actually comforting to find a couple of others others had the same thought. A few flowers, some stuffed animals and a toy. A small sweet tribute to that small girl and her family.

But now, we’ve been home from our vacation for 3 days. Though the fateful intersection is on my regular driving trail, I have successfully dodged that corner…until today while out running errands.

So…I pulled off the road and gave myself a good talking to. I decided to find the “guts” to go there. You can handle it I told myself. They had, of course, cleaned up the glass and all that blood on the first day so what was I afraid of seeing?

Then I realized my biggest fear. What if there was no trace of the event, that sweet toddler and her devastated family already forgotten?

Finding the courage to do something like this can cost you such a painful flashback. Or it can pay off big time.

It is three weeks later and here’s what I found there.

 

 

 

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Various news stories:

(don’t know how to transfer this picture…)

 

Isabella Sturm, 4, tapes a drawing she made to a memorial wall at the corner where a 28-month-old toddler was killed when a two-car accident sent one of the vehicles over a curb and into her stroller. Isabella and her mother, Meghan, had been at the same corner only 5 minutes before the fatal accident.

 

From KIRO news…..When 2 year old Sraddha Panchakarla her mother Bhavya went for a walk on their Bellevue sidewalk Thursday morning, a violent collision between an SUV and a car would change their lives in an instant.

The impact sent the car onto the sidewalk, over the spot where Sraddha was riding in a stroller.

“Nobody imagined it that would happen this way,” said family friend Kishor Vadla. “They were just trying to cross this road.”

Vadla told KIRO 7 that Sraddha, an only child, was killed instantly. He said her parents were new to the U.S, having moved to Bellevue from India four months ago.

Siva Kumar is trying to comfort his friends who have been through the unthinkable.

“I can’t believe a daughter dying in the hands of her mother. That is the most saddest part no one should ever expect,” said Kumar.

Bellevue police say the toddler and her mother were on the sidewalk waiting to cross Bel-Red Road at 140th Ave Northeast. Bellevue police say two vehicles crashed in the intersection.

According to investigators, a Dodge Durango was heading southbound and a Nissan Sentra was heading northbound.

Police said on Wednesday the Sentra had a blinking yellow arrow, failed to yield, and turned in the Durango’s path. The vehicles then collided.

The Sentra left the road and went onto the sidewalk, hitting the stroller with the toddler inside.

Witnesses rushed to help the little girl and her mother. The first police officer gave the little girl CPR but her injuries were too severe to survive, according to police. The toddler’s 25-year-old mother was taken to the hospital to be treated for distress.

Bellevue police investigators spent hours talking to witnesses and taking measurements to find out what caused the crash. The drivers of both cars had minor injuries and were also taken to a hospital.

“This really seems to be, at this point, a horrible, tragic accident,” Bellevue Police Chief Steve Mylett said.

Tuesday night, as the memorial to little Sraddha grew, Vadla said the world lost an extremely smart little girl.

“She’s very bright, though she’s just two-and-a-half years old,” he said. “She speaks very fluently and you know she tells all the rhymes and all, though she’s just two-and-a-half years old, she is very bright, she’s very sharp.”

Now, Sraddha’s parents are surrounded by a community who wishes it could do more.

“We are all standing to support him financially, morally, (that) kind of thing,” Vadla said. “But loss is loss for him. Nobody can return that.”

A fundraising site for the family raised more than $20,000 in 17 hours.

Friends said Wednesday there was enough money to cover travel costs, so they shut down the GoFundMe account.

The family will take Sraddha back to India as soon as possible.

 

http://www.kirotv.com/news/news/baby-stroller-hit-killed/nnqqd/

 

Update: The flower wall in Sraddha’s honor grew and grew and remained right there for almost 3 months, apparently unprecedented in our area.

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