“Connection, I just can’t make no connection“. Mick Jagger, Keith Richards
It won’t surprise any of the people closest to me to hear how much I STILL miss my best friend/”sister” from the 1970’s through the end of that century.
My confession today though, is just how much.
I try not to think about her, or talk about her, but every now and then in our professional worlds, she and I still cross paths, and it all floods back. So many years ago now, but our friendship (our sisterhood) was so easy, so equal. I always felt as important to her as she was to me.
Though she and I had off and on problems, all friendships do, the wonderful thing we had for so long was daily contact…we checked in with each other. And if we didn’t, we’d check ON each other.
I have never found that again.
I know it was partly our ages and that stage of life…way back then. Our living proximity (including together for a while), and all our common problems acted like friendship-glue, especially ex-husbands, money, new loves, single mom-ing, etc.). These things simply insisted on daily updates.
I couldn’t tell you now what happened, or even my part in it, but the “sisterhood” ended…in my memory now, abruptly…painfully
I’ve never come close to replacing that connection.
I’ve made a few gentle gestures towards her over the years, and her response has always been gracious and kind, but also brief and singular.
My biggest secret now is just how often I imagine grand gestures, followed by a grand reunion, drama much more congruent for our early years as friends and sisters. I play out these scenes in my head a couple times a year….or, any time I drive to my city’s downtown area, because to get there, I pass within a half block of her house.
This last couple of Pandemic Years, like many of us, I am contemplating my life, my mortality.
On top of that ongoing threat, I’ve had several non-Covid related deaths close to me. I know I am not alone in any of that. None of the “normal” life-losses simply screech to a halt just because of this stupid virus. They just keep on happening.
But it’s created a whopper of an existential crisis for many, and a profound sense of panic. Better hurry up and…!!
There are so many things I just can’t put off, or wait around for, any longer. Things I must act on NOW, if I’m ever going to.
I have to decide about selling my house.
I have to get that Dream Camper.
I have to tell, really tell, my beloved people how lucky I am to have them in my life.
So, I decided, finally, I absolutely have to reach out to my old best friend/sister.
In the throes of that emotion, I drive down toward the street that passes her house. As I get close, I pull over into a parking lot, and sit for 10 minutes, thinking, getting grounded, psyching myself up.
It’s Grand Gesture time. Dramatic I know, but hey, contemplating your remaining days is dramatic. I rehears my speech, making sure I am loving and hopefully, unconditional.
And knowing it’s an extreme long shot that she will even be home, I drive to her house…..
This is what I find.
I have no idea what this means, where she is or if she’s even alive, but hard Life Lesson Learned….again.
Procrastination is a risky f-ing game!