Procrastination

“Connection, I just can’t make no connection“. Mick Jagger, Keith Richards

It won’t surprise any of the people closest to me to hear how much I STILL miss my best friend/”sister” from the 1970’s through the end of that century.

My confession today though, is just how much.

I try not to think about her, or talk about her, but every now and then in our professional worlds, she and I still cross paths, and it all floods back. So many years ago now, but our friendship (our sisterhood) was so easy, so equal. I always felt as important to her as she was to me.

Though she and I had off and on problems, all friendships do, the wonderful thing we had for so long was daily contact…we checked in with each other. And if we didn’t, we’d check ON each other.

I have never found that again.

I know it was partly our ages and that stage of life…way back then. Our living proximity (including together for a while), and all our common problems acted like friendship-glue, especially ex-husbands, money, new loves, single mom-ing, etc.). These things simply insisted on daily updates.

I couldn’t tell you now what happened, or even my part in it, but the “sisterhood” ended…in my memory now, abruptly…painfully

I’ve never come close to replacing that connection.

I’ve made a few gentle gestures towards her over the years, and her response has always been gracious and kind, but also brief and singular.

My biggest secret now is just how often I imagine grand gestures, followed by a grand reunion, drama much more congruent for our early years as friends and sisters. I play out these scenes in my head a couple times a year….or, any time I drive to my city’s downtown area, because to get there, I pass within a half block of her house.

This last couple of Pandemic Years, like many of us, I am contemplating my life, my mortality.

On top of that ongoing threat, I’ve had several non-Covid related deaths close to me. I know I am not alone in any of that. None of the “normal” life-losses simply screech to a halt just because of this stupid virus. They just keep on happening.

But it’s created a whopper of an existential crisis for many, and a profound sense of panic. Better hurry up and…!!

There are so many things I just can’t put off, or wait around for, any longer. Things I must act on NOW, if I’m ever going to.

I have to decide about selling my house.

I have to get that Dream Camper.

I have to tell, really tell, my beloved people how lucky I am to have them in my life.

So, I decided, finally, I absolutely have to reach out to my old best friend/sister.

In the throes of that emotion, I drive down toward the street that passes her house. As I get close, I pull over into a parking lot, and sit for 10 minutes, thinking, getting grounded, psyching myself up.

It’s Grand Gesture time. Dramatic I know, but hey, contemplating your remaining days is dramatic. I rehears my speech, making sure I am loving and hopefully, unconditional.

And knowing it’s an extreme long shot that she will even be home, I drive to her house…..

This is what I find.

Kate's

I have no idea what this means, where she is or if she’s even alive, but hard Life Lesson Learned….again.

Procrastination is a risky f-ing game!

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Ordinary Life during Covid

So lately I’ve been struggling a bit with the cumulative effect of the last 2 years.

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Since I have never been one who is easily bored (Thanks Dad*), being grounded by my Doc, in lock down, in almost complete isolation for the better part of 700 days, just did not bother me that much….or at least that’s what I thought.

I am easily entertained by life, so I may have missed some of the slower-building warning signs.

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In the last 2 years, I’ve crocheted 5 baby blankets, adorned 15 hubcaps, dried a few hundred flowers, handmade 50 or 60 Holiday Cards, made 25 inspirational collages, read a few books, corresponded with many long-lost friends, exercised, worked on endless editing for a book 20 years in the writing, culled, downsized, and cleaned my household. That last one sounds so productive, but it was nothing compared to sorting, downsizing and organizing a life long collection of beads, buttons, fabric, yarn, and antique Cobalt Glass.

 

Oh, and I worked…actually, quite a bit more than I have in a few years. Clearly others were aware of the emotional and psychological effects of Covid sooner than me!

No, I was plenty busy and distracted!

What I have not done is my taxes. Too hard to figure out expenses and deductions for a huge home office and Group Therapy room that has sat unused, and pouting, because I abandoned it when I fell in love with Zoom…the only way I work these days.

When I have found the burst of manic energy it would take me to sit down and actually catch up on my deal with the government (by the way, I don’t owe them. They owe ME!) suddenly I am overwhelmed with a compelling urge to engage with Hulu or Netflix. I guess I should be grateful it’s my only addiction…well, unless you count those life-long collections I mentioned above.

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I have binge-watched more than 30 whole series in just under 2 years, burying myself in the characters and their drama in the way one can only when watching 4 or 5 hours in a row.  (picture blushing emoticon here…)

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I have kept up my short daily walks though. You would think after living here for almost 50 years there would not be anything new to see, photograph or write about, but as I said, I’m trained to keep that small child, wide-eyed wonder alive and well.

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Here’s a sample of the things that have stirred my curiosity or delighted that little kid still in me.

First, I love “Urban Tide Pools”!!

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Next, the big and little things I see on my walks…the heart rock I spotted on Valentine’s Day!

And lastly, the things I almost missed…

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Primroses in the dead of winter…

All these things have helped me through the worst days of how we all have to live now. 

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AND, I have been very successful at avoided filing my you-know-what’s!

Though I know it has to be temporary, I’m counting that as a win also.

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Boredom is a Sin

At least, that’s what my Dad used to tell us.

He was quick to clarify, Not a religious sin, but one against Mother nature.

He wouldn’t punish us for this, of course, but he sure frightened Mary Lou, from down the block the first time she witnessed this exchange.

“Daddy, I’m bored! There’s nothing to do!” (sentence whined in dramatic, 7 year old voice…)

Calmly responding, Dad would simply say, “That’s it. Go get the Ruler.”

Mary Lou had a much different experience of her father sending her for the ruler, or a small tree branch, or the Ping Pong Paddle.

We knew this routine, and I suppose, could have proceeded on our own, but Dad worked so much, on a day off, we’d do anything for a verbal exchange with him. Besides the whole experience seemed better if Daddy had sent us on the challenge.

We’d get the Ruler, and our task then was to find a flat surface of some kind, so we could measure out one square foot of visual space to explore…at length…until we found something of interest, sometimes even something amazing. 

These measured “windows” kept us not-bored for many Sunday afternoons, or summertime hours.

There is way more to this story but I’m thinking of it today because of how much gratitude I feel for my father’s creative way of teaching us about important life lessons. This one for me, has expanded over the years to cover all manner of scenes and circumstances. It is like my Mindful Practice now…finding a “window” of music, or taste, or rest, or movement, etc.

It’s no longer a tool to counteract boredom. I have walked through my long life now, with this theme running at all times in the background.

I truly can’t remember the last time I felt bored. There is always something new to see, to discover, to learn, to experience, with all my senses. And there is always more than one way look at things…the same old everyday sights…and even the painful things.

I can’t tell you how much this has helped me through 693 days of mostly seclusion during the Pandemic.

We are having a HUGE wave of new Covid cases in my area, up 700% in the last month. Not boring, but frightening and quite depressing, so I sent myself to “get the Ruler” this morning before my daily walk.

Here’s what I spotted in about a 3 square foot area right outside my door that I never look at in the dead of winter it’s so scruffy. But today, I slowly zoomed in, and found beauty of the season.

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This strange “rock” has been in many places all around my property. I hadn’t thought about it in years!

On my way back home from today’s walk, way down my hill, I spotted a tiny window, a visual “square foot” framed by the trees.

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As I made my way, I watched that “square foot” transform right before my eyes.

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The closer I got to my driveway, the more the view opened up, showing me the miracle of the Olympic Mountains, looking close enough to visit. They are 158 miles away.

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And there was the Columbia Tower, 11 miles away.

From my perspective, it looked easily as tall as those gorgeous, finally snow-covered peaks.

Thanks Dad!

Procrastination

It won’t surprise any of the people closest to me to hear how much I STILL miss my best friend/sister from the 1970’s through the end of that century.

My confession today though, is just how much. I try not to think about her, or talk about her, but every now and then in our professional worlds, she and I still cross paths, and it all floods back. So many years ago now, but our friendship (our sisterhood) was so easy, so equal. I always felt as important to her as she was to me.

Though she and I had off and on problems, all friendships do, the wonderful thing we had for so long was daily contact…someone to check in with, or be checked on by. I have never found that again.

I know it was partly our age and that stage of life way back then. Our living proximity (including together for a while), and all our common problems acted like friendship-glue, especially ex-husbands, money, new loves, single mom-ing-an-only-child, etc.). These things simply insisted on, and required daily updates.

I couldn’t tell you now what happened, or why, or even my part in it, but the “sisterhood” ended…in my memory now, rather abruptly.

I’ve never come close to replacing that connection.

I have made a few gentle gestures towards her over the years, and her response has always been gracious and kind, but also brief and singular. And my biggest secret is just how often I imagine grand gestures, followed by a grand reunion, much more congruent for our early years as friends and sisters. I play out these scenes in my head a couple times a year….or any time I drive to my city’s downtown, because I pass within just a half block of her house.

This last couple of Pandemic Years, I am contemplating my life, my mortality.

And on top of that ongoing threat, I have had several non-Covid related deaths close to me. I know I am not alone in any of that. None of the “normal” life-losses simply screeched to a halt just because of this stupid virus. They just kept on happening.

But it’s created a whopper of an existential crisis for many, and a profound sense of panic. Better hurry up!!

There are so many things I just can’t put off, or wait around for, any longer. Things I must act on NOW, if I’m ever going to.

I have to decide about selling my house.

I have to get that Dream Camper.

I have to tell, really tell, my people how lucky I have been to have had you in my life.

And, I decided, finally, I absolutely have to reach out to my old best friend/sister.

So in the throes of that emotion, I drove down toward the street that passes her house. As I got close, I pulled over into a parking lot, and sat for 10 minutes, thinking, getting grounded, psyching myself up.

It was Grand Gesture time. Dramatic I know, but hey, contemplating your remaining days is dramatic. I rehearsed my speech, making sure I was loving and hopefully, unconditional.

And knowing it was an extreme long shot that she was even be home, I drove to her house…..

This is what I found.

Kate's

I have no idea what this means, where she is or if she’s even alive, but hard Lesson Learned….again.

Procrastination is a risky f-ing game!

September to November-M.I.A.

Where to start…hmm…I won’t drag you through the last few months…nothing profound really…just life as we knew it before March, 2020 is over.

You know. You were there experiencing your own version of it.

I’ll just start with today.

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We are well in to my least favorite time of year.

Fall in the Great Northwest is so sneaky…tricky for me to navigate. In the other three seasons, my daily choice is crystal clear…be outside or be inside.

But Autumn tells blatant lies, almost daily.

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This morning it’s beautiful weather, so I leave the house expecting to enjoy all of the season’s best features; its warm, intense colors, clear blue skies, and easily tolerable medium temperatures. But during the short walk from my front door to the road, Autumn cackles out loud, her temperature plummets, and suddenly it’s 45 miles an hour freezing winds, filled with piercing raindrops.

First a pandemic and now THIS!

It’s just insulting.

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To make me even more irritable during this time of year, my allergies hit the hardest, blind-siding me with itchy eyes to asthma, literally out-of-the-blue!

I don’t have any reaction to all the lovely parts of Spring and Summer, gently blowing waves of grasses, tiny drifts of golden pollen on my windshield, or beautifully blossoming trees.

Nope. I get to be allergic to the dying, moldy leaves of Fall.

How glamorous.

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BUT…since I am obsessed with mastering my ability to shift my perspective at will, on this day, I easily concede that Autumn is also my favorite time to photograph.

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It takes some work though…

I was furious the other day when I finally had time to grab the camera and head out. I had spotted so many outstanding photo shots lately and wanted to go back to capture some of that vibrant color.

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Showing off her royal prerogative, when I wasn’t looking, that nasty, conniving Autumn had apparently had a Wind-Storm-Temper-Tantrum, stripping all the trees of their stunning October/November costumes. Grrrr.

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Then, later this morning, as I walked across the long spans of sodden grass to my neighbor’s house, these words came to me:

“Lovely, lacey, leaf-littered lawn”

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I’m NOT a poet so I had no idea what to do with those alliterated words.

But, it was magnificent, so out came the camera.

The birds even came out of their storm shelters to keep me company on my stroll.

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Today, I feel blessed to be in LOVE Autumn in the Northwest!

How’s that for a Perspective Shift?

Checking in

 

Well, that may be the longest stretch of NOT posting on my blog since I started it way back when…well, I don’t actually remember when my first post happened.

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But I have not posted for a whole month. And even then, and during the weeks before that, it was mostly the easiest post possible. (Thanks to whoever first coined the term WordlessWednesday!)

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I do think about it all the time though. In my mind, I create what I think are clever photography slide shows, or I write interesting or inspiring essays. But real life, the one outside my internal process, has been loudly in charge for a while. (Oh, the pitiful list of excuses I could insert here…sigh…and the thing is, my life-interruptions are similar to every person’s on the planet this last 16 months so no special sympathy for me…)

I’ve barely had the time or energy to read my favorite bloggers either.

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Self-centeredly, I do continue to check my notifications occasionally and am always pleasantly surprised to see a new follower. And a “like” on some older post can make my day!

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I always intended to welcome each new follower (I still hate that word “follower”. I’m not leading anyone anywhere! OK, each new “reader”) And I even saved each new name, but somehow those numbers climbed to 628 behind my back!!!

Realistically, I know that number does not mean that there are actually 628 people out there is the world who, with great anticipation, look forward to checking each day to see what I posted….only to be disappointed. Most likely the number is closer to 3 or 4 who look occasionally, just to see if I still happen to be alive.

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In hasty conclusion, because one of those life-interruptions is happening as I type, I long to be back at this more regularly.

Any encouragement greatly appreciated.

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And here’s a slide show with left over photos:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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