Confession:
A few months ago, I thought about posting about the inexplicable grief I felt at the passing of my very last 2 Bugs.
If you are a first-time reader here, you may wonder what I mean by “bug”. It’s a long, seemingly gross story but an experience I still feel so blessed to have had. You can read the short version here.
https://theseekersdungeon.com/2015/11/20/walking-with-intention-day-20-by-kathie-arcide/
Anyway, my last two bugs, having lived way longer than any of their female-only ancestors, passed away last summer and I was way sadder than I would have expected. It was probably much more existential grief than I want to admit…end of an era…passing of time…my own mortality, etc.
Or maybe I had simply bonded to these mild, extravagant creatures. I confess, I LOVED my bugs!!
Extravagant:
For the seven or eight years I have raised Giant Spiny Australian Leaf bugs (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extatosoma_tiaratum) I saved every single one of the hundreds of eggs they laid, hoping for later hatchings. (It takes over a year when *parthenogenesis is the method.) I kept the eggs safe and in the medium suggested by my research on Google (warm, moist soil).
With the last batch born (39 of them) I knew I was getting tired…but not of my bugs. They are so easy to care for. Feed them and put fresh paper towels at the bottom of their terrarium every 10 days or so. No big deal. (Well, I am leaving out the part that James does for me…scrounging around for uncontaminated Blackberry bushes, cutting off several branches, and then “dethorning” them for the safety of the bigger bugs who can accidentally impale themselves on these thorns. Poor James comes home bleeding every time!)
It had become quite an extravagant hobby.
After so many generations, I was up to a whole “colony”. With each new generation, I would happily give away as many bugs as I could to good homes (schools, parents, friends, independent Pet Stores… boy, are those hard to find now…) but it was requiring a lot more of the kind of energy I no longer have due to my age or an exhausting autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s? I don’t know which.
Also, at that number of bugs, there were just too many for me to “socialize”…meaning, getting the bugs used to being handled by humans. I wanted the occasional brave guest to be able to have the experience of one of these mild monsters sitting peacefully in the palm of their hand. This last batch had basically no direct human contact.
When I could feel the end nearing for my two oldest Queens, I did not do anything to protect or preserve their hundreds of eggs in the way their gestation requires. That was a much more difficult decision than I would have thought.
When they both died, I gave them what I considered a loving and respectful send off by placing them on blossoms outside in the sun. My keeping them safe in captivity may have given them a much longer life but had prevented their outdoor experience.
I put away the terrariums, and the jars that acted as vases for Blackberry vines. I gathered books and tchotchkes to fill up the empty shelves, dresser tops and counters that used to hold giant Bug Homes for all to see. I had all those interesting-looking eggs in a bowl and just set them off somewhere on a shelf.
I have missed my bugs. I know they are not pets in the way most of us think of a pet…like a companion. I didn’t talk to them or anything, at least not nearly as much as I talk to my cats (wish I had a winking emoji for right here…)
I did try to provide entertainment for them though…exposure to different settings, and playing loud music for them. They love Comfortably Numb and actually sway in time with music, but I guess I needed copyright permission for a video I made with Pink Floyd playing in the background, because WordPress would not include it in that post long ago.
But for all those years they were such a mild, peaceful presence in my life.
Having that amazing bug activity, straight from a David Attenborough-type nature show, happening right in my living room, was a constant and graphic reminder of the miracles in Nature. The molting process alone would blow the most uninterested of minds.
I think I have missed seeing daily the natural flow of the bugs’ stages, the proof that though one life comes to an end, another is always starting…
And those gentle bugs actually made me miss my life’s work a little less. In my practice, I was a regular witness to the amazing cycle of human life……coaching childbirths, end of life counselling, with all of life’s challenges, traumas and gifts in between.
Retirement! Heck, what was I thinking???
Sigh….
Mild:
Now this will seem like an abrupt change of subject, but we have this cat named Lucy. She was born in the wild (well, in the woodpile in front of our mountain home). She is by far the most mild cat either of us have ever had. We think she is expressing gratitude for allowing her to adopt us as her humans, and rescuing her from a treacherous life in the mountains filled with cougars, coyotes and bears….to say nothing of the below zero temps we sometimes have in the winter. She is gentle and careful and sweet and affectionate (this last, at her own whim of course…she IS a CAT after all).
And she is also amazing in that she learns after just one or two corrections. I post about her a lot. You can read her story here:
Her most vicious trait is that she hunts, chases, kills and eats spiders. I have mixed feelings about that but so far have not prevented her Spider Patrols. What can I say, I’m a hypocrite.
Last week, I had a shocking experience. I lifted a pile of papers off the table I was working on and found a dead (squashed?) BABY BUG!!! Absolutely no idea how it got there. Or from how long ago? And did Sweet Lucy do this or did I crush a new baby bug and not even know it?
I Confess, I actually cried.
And then, I had an even more surprising realization. It seemed unrelated but in my tears I discovered how much I HATE being even semi-retired. (I see maybe 4 clients a month on average.) I miss working so much. I loved my well over 40 years of being a Group Psychotherapist with a booming practice. I never got tired of it. I never experienced “burn out”. I worked hard to live the principals I taught so I never really experienced the conflict and dissonance possible in that line of work. I was really, REALLY happy being able to do the work I was doing.
AND I missed my post-retirement hobby, my BUGS!
I want BUGS and I want to WORK!
You’ve heard the old Chinese proverb “Be careful what you wish for”?
In the last 5 days, SIX live, baby bugs have appeared out of nowhere in my office. I don’t have any eggs stashed in here. No adult bugs were ever loose in this room to drop unknown eggs. I have no idea where these hatch-lings are coming from, but I do know that after the very first one, which Lucy spotted up on the ceiling, I had a talk with her to remind her the difference between spiders and our bugs. Since then, five more have hatched and been unmolested by our Gentle Hunter Lucy. She just sits and watches them until I can capture and contain them. (I cannot however, confirm what she does behind my back of course.)
But anyway, apparently, I am on my way again, with a whole new generation of Extatosoma_tiaratum.
Gosh, maybe my phone will start ringing soon and I’ll have some new clients to work with too!?!
First of all, it is YEARS since I heard the word “tchotchkes” and did it ever remind me of the family I used to have. I didn’t lose them by some kind of family dispute. They simply got old and died. The last of them died more than a year ago. I miss the language them all, probably my mother the most and she died 35 years ago.
I guess I’m lucky in that having been a professional writer, there’s little difference for me between blogging and the work I did for more than 40 years, except that when I blog, I actually write for people who read what I wrote. That NEVER happened professionally.
Garry has never missed the work he did, but he often misses the people he worked with … more and more as there are fewer and fewer. He loved his work, but it fried him on so many levels.
I think the only thing I miss about working are colleagues — living ones who can share a cup of coffee. You are all real, of course, but all so far away!
Oh a cup of coffee with you would be so great!!
“You are all real, of course, but all so far away!” Resonates for me.
Please try to ignore the typos. I just get worse and worse. Hopeless.
I know what you mean. And if I write anything on/with my phone, the auto-correct drives me crazy/ It refuses to write the words “you” or “hope” and instead writes “yippy” and “hippie”. Go figure…
I’m James .. the bug food gatherer. I’ve not minded the bugs but I have to admit, I don’t love them like Kathie. They are no problem and I kinda like seeing how much Kathie enjoys them so I dutifully head out to the local blackberry patches around our part of the country. Still, it is a minor annoyance to have this duty for years on end. I never wished bad things to happen to the bugs but I must admit, I wasn’t nearly as sorry to see the last pair finally head down the long road to infinity. At last, I could relax and not have to go out in weather to gather vines. It was a relief to finally be ‘done’ with the duty as I thought it highly unlikely that more bugs would hatch after so many generations without ‘male bug’ input. Wrong. Now, without warning, there seems to be a major rebirth and we now have a new generation starting. They are tiny to start with and food easily gathered, but as they grow, that will change and I’ll be back on ‘food patrol’. On the good side, I see how much my sweet Kathie is enjoying the arrivals. I guess, I’ll find a way to get back into being a patient blackberry vine hunter .. and try not to bleed too much.
First of all I am sorry about the loss of your bugs. This is an awesome post for a few reasons. You have once again shared your story of the bugs, you have discovered you miss working, and amazingly baby bugs have shown up unexpectedly and so the cycle begins anew which make me happy for you. Great way to start the year and I bet new clients will show up too. All good to you my friend in 2018!
At times like theses iit seems like the universe has a plan. Wishing you well in 2018!
You’ve been chosen! Seems to be there’s a reason those bugs reappeared after all this time…enjoy them. And what a sweet comment from James….despite his reticence he does it because he loves you! And who knows, perhaps a few new clients will also come your way in this new year! You might be chosen again!
Always happy I save some posts until I can give them the credit they deserve. Where did this Lucy come from? Great hat! (Not ignoring all the other important things,)Cheers,H